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ginHigure

Bad day because...

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Work started at 7:45. Broke down at 8:00. Came back from the toilet (where I spent the time crying) at 8:20. Try to keep the tears inside 8:20-14:00. I have been close to start crying all day, and now that I can, I can't. Even if I feel like I need to finish the cry I started in the morning. I am sure after going to bed I will break down at least.

 

Fuck work and this town. After my contact ends at the end of the summer, I am so gonna apply for some other place in another city. I fucking hate this place.

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well i accidentally got a playstation plus got for 30 dollars and i meant to get a psn card...looks like i have plasystation plus now...(i though it was a 30 dollar psn card)

and i was mad cause i couldn't go back and get another one cause the store was going to close soon and it was getting dark..and now i gonna go 

back tomorrow and spend more money argh -____- 

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Why is it so hard to forget? It's been over half a year now, though it feels both like an eternity and like no time has passed at all. That's a half a year of trying to prove to myself that I'm worth other people's time. That's half a year of failing to do so. I put on my mask back then and smiled... everything was okay, I said. I've worn this mask so long that sometimes I'm not even sure what is underneath, and honestly I'm not sure if I want to find out. So I roll out of bed after a night of staring at the ceiling and slip on my mask, ready to smile for the world. Everyone loves that, right? Happy-go-lucky panda being a lush on cam, laughing and saying stupid shit. That's what people truly want.

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I hate that I'm trying to get my shit together, have some nice short and long term goals, and still somehow can't find it in myself to gather motivation and get past my dumb insecurities and just Do stuff.

 

I hate that me and my family's relationship is so bleak and barely customary. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own house.

 

I have a weak will and forget my rage.

 

wooh that sure helps unwind

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It's so fun not to care anymore. It still hurts but it's a guilty pleasure..i Feel trapped honestly. I can't turn to anyone or anything. My therapist couldn't help, nothing I've tried helps. I can't function anymore properly, I'm getting to the point where I'm sure i've developed mental problems. I feel crazy, I feel like utter garbage, my head is so disoriented, this everyday day to day struggle is getting old. I don't know what to do anymore

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I had an unexpected anxiety attack on my way back from work today. It's the third one this week. I'm legitimately a bit worried for myself. Things like this don't usually happen...

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Guest lynchisizer

it's a bad day because my mom woke me up though I don't have to go to school today...

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Long rant ahead. Apologies to anyone who might have an allergy to walls of text (like myself).

Bad day because of my mother. I haven't been severely angry with her for years. Today, she was having a discussion with her sister-in-law, catching up and all, and they started discussing what's going on in my life, Is he still in school?, yada yada. In that discussion, she asked me the worst possible question.

"Are you transferring to university next semester?"

I know what you're thinking, It's a harmless question. Why did that piss you off?

I am already feeling incredibly insecure about being at my current school (a community college, but "university quality" curriculum, so the education isn't sub-par, just lower division) for four years, and I feel like I'm getting enough pressure from my family to finally transfer after so long, and I really want to transfer as well. Being at the same school for four years can drive you insane. I would know this, as I've once spent seven years at the same school (all of middle school and high school).

Frankly, as much as I need school, and as much as I need to do well if I want to have a successful career in accounting, I'm fucking tired of it all. The homework alone is making me fucking hate school. I'd rather say, "oh sorry, I can't go wine tasting wit you guys because I have to work tonight" instead of say, "oh, sorry, I can't go to dinner with you guys because I have to do homework." Hopefully that explains why I'm trying to rush my way to my Associates Degree, and then my Bachelors.

The reason why my family asking me about transferring is affecting me more than it should is because I've been hoping I could transfer next fall, but there's one class that I might need to drop, and if I do drop it, it will set my transfer back as far as an entire year (unless they accept transfers in spring 2017). It's looking like I may have to drop this class, as much as I dread the idea of re-taking it, but I cannot accept the idea of getting a C in that class.

TL;DR I'm under pressure with family and school, feeling incredibly insecure about it, and everyone's only making it feel worse. Generally, I'm not very happy with my life right now.

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Had a midterm where the professor said formulas would be provided. Turns out only about half of them were provided. He didn't give  A = 2D/ks, B = 2DN/M, D = De-EA/kT, and xj = 2(Dtln(N/NB)-1/2. I was able to recall the third one but I'm still pretty pissed. I've put all of the formulas into my graphing calculator in case he ever pulls this crap again. 

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dropped my phone this morning (1st time) - cracks all over the screen

phone fell out of my jacket pocket when leaving school ( 2nd time) - front camera damaged

closed the car door with force while my jacket (obv with my phone in the pocket) was still half outside (3rd time)- phone is bent

injured my knee & couldn't go to the gym

best friend got sick & couldn't come over

-> literally spent the day laying on the ground thinking about how I'll fail tomorrows exam cuz ofc school stress became a daily thing

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So far the past three months have been nothing but agony, and today has been no better. I woke up to an argument with my aunt over what I don't understand, it seems like all she wants to do is antagonize me. I've lost my sketchbook, I had to spend another 100 dollars because my phone finally gave out on me, I accidentally cut my finger open today and got blood all over my pants, dropped my pizza whilst exiting Dominos, and on top of that I'm so alone..it hurts. I can't help but cry because it feels like I will never be enough for anyone I fall for because I always end up being ignored and lied to. I want to disappear honestly, I cant even sleep now because my aunt and her boyfriend are up arguing about dumb shit.  

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I've been having zero motivation to do anything for the past couple of days.... like I have this conviction that whatever I touch will fail. Couldn't get myself to draw anything for over a week because of that. And now I hardly feel like I want to eat anything, as if I'm forcing myself to, even when I get hungry. All because of this one person... I just hate how my happiness depends on people sometimes, but I'll get over it...

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shitty sleep

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