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Single People Thread

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@Gesu @ghost From experience, sex is important in a relationship but it shouldn't be put on the ridiculous pedestal it's on. 

 

Being physically, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually compatible with a person is key to a successful relationship. If one of those pillars erodes, the whole thing comes down eventually; they all need to prop each other up to keep the structure standing.

 

Being super physically and sexually attracted to someone is all well and good but if they don't stimulate you in other ways, there's no substance to the relationship. Likewise if you can have intellectual, deep conversations but you don't have any inkling of lust towards them, it won't work in certain ways.

 

I think it's about finding a balance really. All of the aspects above are crucial to long term happiness. The reason why we're in this thread is because either we, our previous partners, or our prospective partners haven't quite fulfilled all of those needs to keep my metaphorical Greek structure standing. 

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4 hours ago, nullmoon said:

Likewise if you can have intellectual, deep conversations but you don't have any inkling of lust towards them, it won't work in certain ways.

Asexuals can have really good relationships and make it work despite the lack of lust.

But I also agree on you, sexual compatibility is quite important, lust levels need to be somehow similar (be it super high or almost nonexistent) or both parties will be often frustrated.

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One thing I've noticed about being single is that my anxiety goes down from ~100 to ~10.  In relationships or just when I was crushing on somebody I was always worrying about being with that person and being meaningful to them, and I would constantly have anxiety attacks and crying fits over it.  I would always keep it to myself though out of fear of being annoying and losing that person over it.  

I've been single for some time now though, and I struggle with low self esteem issues so I still have problems in regards to feeling meaningless and unwanted, but my reactions to it now are so majorly different.  I don't have nightly anxiety attacks and I can count all the times I've cried over it in the last few months on one hand.  The thoughts are still there and they still hurt but I'm just so much more calm. 

I don't know if this is because I've never been with the right people for me or if I'm just unfit to be in a relationship.  My self esteem issues point to the latter though.  Being single isn't all that fun because I'm not much more productive and it makes my issues more apparent to me, but I can at least sleep at night and worry (less) about my own self.  

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7 hours ago, Ultra Silvam said:

I don't know if this is because I've never been with the right people for me or if I'm just unfit to be in a relationship. 

I hear you and can totally empathise with what you're going through. To be fair I would argue it's the former; being with the right person makes you feel a lot more comfortable in your own skin. Having that certainty and security from someone really makes a difference. If I'm in a relationship without attention/affection, I feel so anxious about myself, about the relationship etc. I've had those crying fits and felt that frustration and despair both in and out of relationships and know how oppressive it is. 

 

While you're single, try to work on yourself as much as possible. I suffer from social anxiety but I've been doing my best to get out there, talk to randomers (even saying hello is a huge effort), and become less self conscious. Not saying this will work for everyone but it's calming to just blend into the hum of society; it helps to remind me that everyone has their own crap to deal with and that the world doesn't revolve around me. 

 

Be comfortable in yourself, work on what you want from life, and wait for the right person to step into your life. I know it sounds cliche but I don't know, I just feel more hopeful as a result of it :)

Edited by nullmoon

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Fuck, I don't know what's wrong with me but being single is really getting me down lately. It seems like no matter what I try literally no one is interested in me. Doesn't matter if it's meeting strangers in public, dating apps, or trying to get closer to friends who are potential interests. 

Keeping myself busy with personal projects and events has helped but it's not enough of a distraction. Is there a pill I can drink that just drains my emotions out within 24 hours and allows me to go about my life normally? Cuz fuuuck.

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On 9/13/2019 at 5:03 PM, ghost said:

Fuck, I don't know what's wrong with me but being single is really getting me down lately. It seems like no matter what I try literally no one is interested in me. Doesn't matter if it's meeting strangers in public, dating apps, or trying to get closer to friends who are potential interests. 

Keeping myself busy with personal projects and events has helped but it's not enough of a distraction. Is there a pill I can drink that just drains my emotions out within 24 hours and allows me to go about my life normally? Cuz fuuuck.

I've been going through more or less the same kind of thing myself and know it isn't easy. Sounds like you're suffering from more than just "being single" though, as in, it's making you depressed as well? If that's the case I highly recommend you see a GP and tell them you're struggling with every day life and these thoughts (anxiety probably) are holding you back and they may refer you to see someone about it and probably give you some medication which will keep your emotions more balanced. Wont make everything perfect but that should help to some degree. The pills will take longer than 24 hours to kick in though unfortunately.

As for nobody not liking you, well, I could probably write an essay on this topic but will just throw out a few brief ideas which hopefully you can gain something from. Firstly, I tend to think subconciously people can sense that negativity in you and to be fair, people aren't usually attracted to negative people, people like happy, fun, confident people.... Not to say that if you're not these things (hell I'm definitely not, haha) nobody will ever find you attractive but by being so negative and having expectations that noone will be interested in you I think, accidentally you're keeping people a certain distance away from you in which case aren't able to build a close enough relationship with them in order to progress to anything further than simple friendship. Which is great, as making friends is really good and not every girl/guy/whatever you make friends with has to be a romantic interest. As far as finding out if people are interested in you or not, I mean, it's better to just be forward and to the point sometimes, which I know sounds a bit scary but just being like "look, I really think you're attractive, do you wanna hang out sometime?" is much better than subtle hints which get mistaken for tokens of friendship or generally cause confusion, "does this person fancy me? Seems like maybe they do. But if they're only being a friend, that was really sweet of them." so from that you can grow closer in some way, maybe just as friends, maybe things will become more than that. But main point here is don't be subtle, if you're interested, tell them you're interested, if you get rejected, it's not fun but "oh well" life goes on and you know not to waste time with that person anymore. Maybe that person meant a lot to you, but once you've made it clear, either things progress in a positive way for you or you can move on and forget about trying anything with that person and avoid all confusion.

Just a few of my thoughts.

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@Kabukichoatmidnight

 

I'm doing much better now. I think I was just going through a moment. Also, I think age has to do with part of it. I'm on the older side and not finding someone has made me anxious about it. But I'm realizing more and more it's not uncommon for people my age (or even older) to not have found someone yet. And I'm coming to terms with that.

 

And the person I had an interest in, I've since lost my interest in them romantically. For me I think amongst friends that kind of relationship should come naturally. In this case it felt very one sided so I got the sense she wasn't into me at all that way. I'm also all about getting to the point and hate love games. But I also have to feel a connection with the other friend.

 

When it comes to strangers though, I have no issues letting them know I'm interested. Hell, I asked someone on my morning bus route to work a couple months ago 😂

Edited by ghost

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"If she's one in a million, there are 37 of her in California."

I don't remember where I heard this quote but it changed my perspective on life. Dating too, but life.

I've been in a relationship for almost seven years, so I've been out the dating game for some time. Even if I was single, I'd have no tangible advice to give. I wasn't exactly attracting throngs of women to me for being myself, and that may have been a blessing in disguise for me. As I grow older, I realize just how toxic and damaged so many people are, and inviting that kind of energy into your life only brings negativity. The only thing worse than feeling single and alone is feeling lonely in a shit relationship.
 

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I've come to the depressing realization that I'm approaching my thirties and that's hindering further my ability to form close friendships, since everyone around me is more and more invested in their significant others/offspring and is making it really difficult to form close friendship bonds when their priorities clearly lie somewhere else. The whole inherently sexual dynamic around interactions makes it really difficult to form the kind of bonds I need, be it because I can't provide it or because people are getting it elsewhere and thus forming closer bonds elsewhere.
I think I might have depression and it's embarrassing to even get to the point where, despite being and extremely independent person, loneliness has me sinking further and further (and thus further devoting time and resources to mild coping mechanisms such as VK).
I'm pissed movies and books lied to me about close friendships and I feel I face deep suffering one way or another, either by depriving myself of the emotional connection I need, either suffering from "giving in" to someone else's needs in order to have said emotional connection.

 

I don't think I can live my whole life like this.

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23 hours ago, Komorebi said:

I've come to the depressing realization that I'm approaching my thirties and that's hindering further my ability to form close friendships, since everyone around me is more and more invested in their significant others/offspring and is making it really difficult to form close friendship bonds when their priorities clearly lie somewhere else. The whole inherently sexual dynamic around interactions makes it really difficult to form the kind of bonds I need, be it because I can't provide it or because people are getting it elsewhere and thus forming closer bonds elsewhere.
I think I might have depression and it's embarrassing to even get to the point where, despite being and extremely independent person, loneliness has me sinking further and further (and thus further devoting time and resources to mild coping mechanisms such as VK).
I'm pissed movies and books lied to me about close friendships and I feel I face deep suffering one way or another, either by depriving myself of the emotional connection I need, either suffering from "giving in" to someone else's needs in order to have said emotional connection.

 

I don't think I can live my whole life like this.

You definitely sound to me like you're suffering with depression, not a maybe, so advice before you sink even further, seek professional help, see your GP and get some therapy sorted. Seriously it'll change your life forever, hopefully for the better! Is a big step so you have to make those moves when you're ready otherwise if you're not ready you probably wont benefit from them. But it is definitely worth keeping in mind, things don't change unless you make changes happen. : ) But yeah sounds like we're in a fairly similar situation to be honest so completely get what you mean. I don't know if it's even necessarily an age thing, I mentioned this in another thread so not going into the same detail here, but think when you get in a depressive state people sense your negativity and you end up subconciously keeping yourself distant from others and they keep themselves distant from you. But yeah having lots of time to invest in yourself and your own interests isn't entirely a bad thing as long as your interests and stuff aren't harmful to your health, like drinking/drugs etc... So yeah just take time to focus on you and hopefully you'll bump into the right person at the right place at the right time and all will be good. :)

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I think I've reached that point where I just don't give a shite anymore. About a month or two ago, I was ill and couldn't leave my room for five days so I had kind of a mental breakdown out of loneliness which was horrible but at the end of it, I just felt... calm, like I completely burnt myself out. I feel absolutely fine now and it's weird; like I cared so much about it before but now I'm just in this state of calm. Like, so calm that my libido damn near died which I thought would never happen but thank fuck it has. It's still there and you can bet your arse I'll still look at a hot guy and acknowledge how damn hot he is (see my profile picture UwU) but it no longer torments me. As for romance... again, I just don't really give a shite (tbf tho I always gave more of a shite about getting physically close to someone as opposed to romantically). The best way I can describe it is this: if I love someone and they make me happy, just being around them is enough so I don't need to solidify that by declaring my love for them. "I love you" or nah, my feelings wouldn't change as long as we could enjoy each other's company. That, and the way everyone else describes relationships doesn't really sound ideal to me, anyways. All that "a relationship will put your emotional strength to the test", "it's a huge risk", "it's a lot of hard work", etc just sounds like a load of malarkey to me. I like this feeling of calm and I don't need some hard, risky test to ruin that (even if I did want a relationship, I feel like if you really love someone it should be easy and natural and you should know them well enough by the time you get with them for it to not feel like a test). Getting to this state of comfort in my own company was enough of a hard, risky test, thank you very much! Plus... if I ever do get into a relationship, be it romantic, sexual or both, the only risk will be potentially falling back into that pit of loneliness if it all goes tits-up for whatever reason.

 

TLDR: I'm finally fucking happy without needing another person's touch to validate that. Don't worry, I'm still human and I'm still a social creature; I'm just happier than I was before, that's all. This was kind of a ramble but eh. It feels good to share it. :)

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The sad part about being single is filling that void of "how was your day, hun?" and having fun together with idols because you feel betrayed and lonely as fuk if they retire, disband or get married 

 

Yes, I Am Looking At You Tatsuhisa Suzuki 

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On 5/5/2020 at 2:20 AM, nullmoon said:

I've decided to give online dating another go and not a single person on the app I'm using has 'visual kei' as an interest. Fuck this XD 

I've completely given up on hoping that anyone in a 200KM radius of me even knows wtf VK is. 

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15 hours ago, Total Saikou said:

I've completely given up on hoping that anyone in a 200KM radius of me even knows wtf VK is. 

People are seriously oblivious, man. They act like they ain't never seen androgynous Nihon shock rockers bein spicy. 

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1 minute ago, lei0418 said:

People are seriously oblivious, man. They act like they ain't never seen androgynous Nihon shock rockers bein spicy. 

Whenever I show VK to someone they either ask if it's Kpop (😭) or if they are anime show promoters (😕), that's where VK is at right now where I'm living. 

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58 minutes ago, Total Saikou said:

Whenever I show VK to someone they either ask if it's Kpop (😭) or if they are anime show promoters (😕), that's where VK is at right now where I'm living. 

Pretty much. People hear oh you're into Japanese music? *lists off a dozen obnoxious J/K pop bands* then wants to talk comics. Like really, I've never read a single manga front-to-back and have zero interest your cosplay fanaticism. Your language is night and day from mine. It's likely we have about 3-4 words in common. 🙄

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6 minutes ago, lei0418 said:

Pretty much. People hear oh you're into Japanese music? *lists off a dozen obnoxious J/K pop bands* then wants to talk comics. Like really, I've never read a single manga front-to-back and have zero interest your cosplay fanaticism. Your language is night and day from mine. It's likely we have about 3-4 words in common. 🙄

They always ask me if I like Hatsune Miku 💀💀💀 EVERY DAMN TIME :wan-48: 

 

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